I am sat here early on a Saturday morning, snow on the ground, wondering what to do with the rest of my life. Here is a little life update.
Many of you will remember that in the last quarter of last year I was looking forward to starting a new job back in the NHS. I’d been waiting for a long time to return to the NHS and was really excited at the prospect. However some things just don’t work out the way you want them to sometimes. I won’t be talking about why it hasn’t worked in this post but I will address it further into the future.
Anyone who suffers with anxiety and depression will tell you that even when you think you’ve won the battle, and maybe you are past it, it can suddenly rear its ugly head in a matter of moments. Just someones misplaced word during a conversation can lead to a domino effect, where you begin to over think and then before you know it, you’ve gone down a dark path. My depression is usually triggered by my own self-destructive thoughts, I’m not good enough, I’m a bad person, I’m a failure etc. In the past it’s rarely been triggered by external factors, until this time. This time it’s been a perfect storm of external factors seemingly affirming my own damaging thoughts.
We had a fantastic christmas, probably the best in many years. For the first time the worry of christmas being spoilt by me having to work wasn’t an issue, and we could really relax and focus on having a special time. I honestly can’t put it into words how lovely the day was. In many ways I think this is where the slide took root this time. I’d already started to have my suspicions that for various reasons my new shiny job wasn’t going to work out.
Into the New Year my mood really started to slide. Daily stresses and strains that we all deal with seemed to escalate into huge insurmountable problems that I couldn’t deal with. I became tearful and my actual health started to suffer. I’m usually quite a well person but I managed to get slapped cheek, and a cold after cold that I just couldn’t shake off. This of course started to affect my asthma and I had my first attack, albeit mild, for many years.
We started to drop balls, things got missed, the children started to suffer and our family circumstances changed, not in a detrimental way, but in a way that meant that certain priorities would have to change. We had the same repeated conversations over and over, to the point where we were boring ourselves. In the end, for our own mental well-being and that of our children we decided that it would be best if I didn’t continue with my current employment. The current plan is that I will stay at home whilst my Husband settles into a new job, and my eldest child takes his GCSE’s.
Those of you who read Daydreams and Pretty Things, will know that I tussled with the idea of leaving nursing many times. Whilst I am going to join some agencies and do a few shifts, I now truly believe that my time in nursing is over. For the next 6 months, I’m hoping to pick up my blogging again. Put many more posts out, and see where that leads me. I’m under no illusion that it’s very hard these days to make a living out of blogging, but a girl can dream 😉 I might even write that book that I’ve been wanting to for years. Maybe Mills and Boon will give me a publishing deal, I love writing good old romance!!
Right now though, I need to take care of my family and most of all myself. The GP offered me tablets once again, as they do. I prefer talking therapies though, so declined the tablets and asked to be referred. My blog has been my therapy during a lot of these episodes so I’m hoping it will be again.
So that’s my update. I hope you are all well and keeping safe and warm in the snow.